Home Again - and for now Hibernating, kinda -- January 14, 2010

Here I am snuggled in my warm and cozy house in Alaska, the snow is falling and it's cold outside. It's a new year, even a new decade. I finally updated some things on this website and will start writing with a more personal approach, including my own opinions and experiences that were censored during my Peace Corps years. The U.S. government doesn't allow any negative postings on volunteer public websites, either about the country of service or its people, or about our government administration or the Peace Corps. It becomes a habit to screen one's feelings and be careful about everything we say, to always try to present things in a positive way. I'm usually an optimist anyway, finding the good in things that happen, believing there's always a lesson in there somewhere. But I'm surprised how difficult it has been to get over that constant censoring of my own thoughts. In the past I had trouble keeping my mouth shut and my opinions to myself, in fact I often presented my opinions as if they were proven facts, and so frequently people seemed to either accept what I said or felt like they had to fight back. Now I find that I have trouble speaking out at all. Of course part of that is getting wiser with age, knowing that my opinion doesn't actually matter most of the time, and many things are too trivial to deserve much of my energy. But I know that my reading audience here is fairly limited, and those who take the time to keep up with this journal are actually interested in knowing more about my life and my memories, even my opinions. By the way, thanks to those who asked me to keep it up.

My year-end letter is posted on this page, after these photos!

Me with ice fish carving during Arctic Winter Games in Soldotna

and some other amazing ice carvings -- check out the ice slide!!!

above, me with my visiting university exchange student Tae Kim from Korea, also me as an ice Eskimo,
and below, an ice sled dog representing the Tustumena 200 Dog Sled Race

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Hello, Dear Friends and Family, January, 2010

When I ran across my year-end letter for 2008, written only a few months before I got out of the Peace Corps, it suddenly dawned on me that I never sent anything for the holidays this year! No Christmas cards, no holiday letter, nothing. I wrote a web journal update but many old friends are not online or never see the website, so I want them know I think of them and send my love. Besides, these letters are a way to help me remember my own life, something I can visualize doing when I’m too old to be doing much else besides cherishing my memories.

It has taken me months to readjust to living in the United States, and in some ways perhaps I never completely will.  We all change as we age, but this seems deeper and more lasting.  I thought “reverse culture shock” would be an overwhelming but short-lived feeling of disorientation when I returned to American life.  I knew the things we take for granted in the U.S. would temporarily WOW me, and that it would take some time to get used to everything again.  But I didn’t expect to have such an unsettled feeling continue for so long, and that I might never sink back into the feeling of “belonging” I had in my old life. 

I retired two years before joining the Peace Corps, and knew that serving abroad would give me a way to continue to feel productive and keep busy with something useful, to replace the full-time work and also raising three children as a single parent that filled my adult life for 44 years.  I was right.  With all its ups and downs, those years in Romania were never boring and ultimately I felt that the wonderful friendships I made, the work I did there, and any lasting impacts I made were well worth it. 

What surprises me is what a hard time I am having to figure out how I might “fit” in my old community again, or what else I might do with the rest of my life to help me feel good about what I am doing, and why.  It sounds too introspective and analytical, but I guess I’m trying to see into the next chapter of my life to define my own idea of retirement.  I don’t have the money to be a philanthropist, and in fact have only a small steady stream of income that gives me the gift of free time.

I know that I do not want to slip back into my old roles, and will need to be very selective about the activities I agree to do.   I don’t want to re-enter local politics, re-join non-profit boards of directors, or devote time and energy to work at making my community a better place to live and raise families.  All my kids have grown up and left the area, so my grandchildren live thousands of miles away, and there are plenty of other people to do public service now.  Too often those activities are like standing in the corner banging one’s head against the wall. There are plenty of other people to do that now, and I am disappointed to find that I have little respect for most of the elected officials who are making policy decisions here now. It gives me small hope since they continue to be elected in this overwhelmingly conservative population. Besides, I find that I have little patience for trivia, for interpersonal games, and don’t care much whether I “win” anymore when there is a difference of opinion.  In my ongoing effort to eliminate toxic people from my life, for my own mental health I also need to avoid toxic activities. My commitment to international peace is finally extending to my own life.  I’ve learned that there are many other older people also learning to love silence, slow food, tranquil and more stress-free lives.  I treasure my hours of solitude, puttering at my projects, attending online seminars and learning new things, while I figure out what might come next.

I agreed to coordinate three international friendship exchanges this summer for our Rotary District, and we have visitors coming in May from Taiwan; then a large group in June from many countries: Jamaica, Australia, England, Nigeria, South Africa, India, and the U.S.; and finally in August a group from Sweden.  This is likely the kind of activity I might most enjoy in the future, with a perspective outside my community, my state, or even my country.  I feel like an international citizen, and Rotary gives me a chance to reach farther from this corner of the world.  Many amazing people have devoted their retirement years to these activities.  Members of my little Rotary Club are traveling as I write this, to Guatemala to deliver literacy books to remote village schools, to India to give region-wide inoculations against polio, and to Africa to teach rural teachers.  We do good in the world beyond our borders, and that, to me, gives life value.

And I should mention that my three kids and eight grandchildren seem to be doing fine, they are busy with their own lives and I think they are happy: Grey in Las Vegas, Dara in Bend, Oregon, and Peter in Munich, Germany.

Love, Kristin

http://kristinalaska.freehostia.com

Oh, and a special photo -- Tae trying out showshoes for the first time!

best of all... we had amazing sunsets in January, and incredible full moons!

My friend Herb took this from his front yard, sunset, Redoubt volcano, and visiting moose!
...and moonrise near my house...